A recap of the past year and a glimpse into the future

I am not sure where to begin. I guess I will start with where I am now and what my coming weeks/months look like. My therapist is recommending inpatient treatment again and soon I will be leaving to go to Utah to a facility called The Center for Change.

I tried outpatient and managed to tread w

ater for the two months I’m home but I am relapsing (it’s hard for me to admit this) quickly and I need more help. I do not want to ever be where I was when I entered Laureate (physically and emotionally) and that is why it is time to act now.

I haven’t really talked about my journey this past year. I thought for my blog I maybe could give you a synopsis of all that has happened from September 22, 2009 when I admitted into Laureate until now. It’s hard for me to share the stuff that follows but I thought maybe understanding what I think and feel about my illness would be more beneficial than the many articles that are available to read. I’m going to share some of the hope that I experienced at laureate. I journaled constantly there and what follows is some excerpts from my journal when I grew and changed and found hope. This is as be

neficial for me as it is to anyone reading. I need to remember that I have hope in the days ahead.

Warning: This is a long entry but I am leaving and will be out of touch for a month or more and for some reason I felt this was important to share.

October 1^st 2009: Today my head has been clear than it has been in months. You ask so much of me Lord. Trust, loss of control, conquering my fears, facing my heart…the list goes on and on. At this point I can only pray I have the strength to face what comes into the days ahead.

October 6^th 2009: I don’t know who I am anymore. Do I want to be free? Or do I want to be constrained? Do I want attention? Or do I despise it? Do I trust people? Or do I distrust them? Who AM I? I don’t know if this answer will come from my parents, therapists, peers, covenant group or somewhere else entirely. All I know is that I can you, Lord to help me find myself.

October 28^th 2009: Today is my birthday and for the first time since January and possibly before I am beginning to anticipate my future and my life.

November 4^th 2009: I want this fear that paralyzes me to be gone. I want to be free

. I want to be self confident, self loving, caring and a Christ follower. I want the power that Jen (my therapist) talks of. I want control of my life in a safe, healthy and trusting way.

November 12^th 2009: I am such a mixture of things. Fear and comfort, panic and peace, shame and pride, guilt and self-respect. Life is hard, Lord and I have hidden for far too long.

November 26^th 2009 (middle of the night): It’s time for me to surrender oh Lord. Perhaps it is time for me to ask you to help get me through those moments when the eating disorder looks more appealing than health, life and relationships. I no longer want to just go through the motions and use my maladaptive coping skills. I want to discovery my voice, rediscover my passions and find out exactly who I am.

December 6^th 2009: Today was a day of forming relationships amidst the strong voic

e of my eating disorder. At times the eating disorder voice was louder but tonight I feel like Kate won.

December 17^th 2009: I found out today that I get to go home for Christmas! Ashlee also visited tonight. She reminded me of my passions, of the potential and assurance of peace, love and comfort. I’m becoming ready to leave.

I discharged about a month after this journal entry and moved into Magnolia House. I did not journal much during this time and to be honest I struggled a lot at Mag House. Although, I did learn to experience relationships, laugh, run around the house while playing a game and be ok with being ok (sounds simple but a challenge all on it's own). I did take a small step backwards and returned to full time programming for three weeks in June upon discharge which I returned home.

This is where my life becomes interesting. I adopted Shona shortly after arriving home. She has been a great blessing and has been the perfect fit. Right now she lies curled up nex

t to me and just feeling her warm body against mine is a comfort. Shona and I attended the Salt City Splash and swam with other dogs and people shortly before I moved to Wichita to live with the Shooks. Unfortunately, I was not emotionally ready for school and now I am home waiting for treatment. I loved living with the Shooks and am looking forward to returning second semester (if I’m invited lol)…

So now: I prepare for treatment. It is a lot of waiting, fighting the eating disorder voice in my head, tears and despair as insurance seems cruel and unjust most of the time and attending numerous appointments.

This treatment experience is going to be different. For one thing I will be 16 hours away. And for another I will have limited contact with the outside world. Snail mail is going to be my friend. I will not have my cell phone or access to email for a time.

I hope I am not imposing but I would like to perhaps tell you what helps me. Please don’t feel obligated but I am learning to ask for support. Sometimes I just need a voice to listen to. A reminder that I have hope and things to live for. People who love me and a dog that needs me. Stories or cards to make me laugh and sometimes heartfelt messages that make me cry. I want to be treated normally.

I love this family. We have so much strength individually and when combined I believe we are a force to be reckoned with. This time as I go away to treatment I hope I can leave with your strength behind me a well. I believe that with all of our prayers and strength I have hope to recover.